The winter becomes too cold when the snow refuses to melt and clings to the sidewalk like some vestigial revenant that haunts your sanity. I can't look at the sky no more 'cause I don't wanna crack my head open on the pavement. And the dirt, colloidal grime and sand that is introduced everywhere by so many footsoles and carpets the subway station, is like a residual memory that cannot be denied because even in the darkest crevices of your heart you find that it lingers like

Stale cigarette smoke.

I never wanted to have someone for myself, not quite like this before. Just seeing you sustains me for weeks on end and my heart bleeds absinthe but because of you my veins carry Veuve Cliquot. And my capillaries are alight with happiness because seeing you is like a cat stretching out before the sunlight and I kinda like it.

I even loved your hat hair.

Do you want to know me too? Sometimes I wish that I was somebody else because no one can fall in love with this scarred and faceless bit of old porcelein.

O God who is turning me into a faded platitude, when I am finally understanding why everyone cries love what is it what the fuck IS it love loved beloved lovely loving lovers.  Stop mourning yourself you stupid fuck why am I so fucking stupid, whenever I begin to be alive I leap into the depths of space.

I stepped through the still waters and not laughing but not crying either I threw my shoes and coat into the pond and walked home barefoot. I wanted to feel the earth's corpse under my toes and why. O that I am but a lonely little atom, bumping about aimlessly in the world for the length of a hastily muttered prayer, waiting to be exhaled away into the dark. This brief candle lights not at all the corners of my petty pace.

Out, out!