Oh.

Sighing slowly it's kinda like exhaling all your sarcasm into the air when you turn around and realize with a perfect witty answer ripening on your lips but then you lose the words because there ain't shit to say.  What have I done that is worth documenting so carefully in this curling parchment that is brittle with age and flame.

The nights are done it's getting cold and night takes over liiight a dim weak daylight like milk in tea and you are drowning in it

I'll just lay back and lean my head looking away from you because I'm so tired of this life

I feel it in my bones

In my head

In my blood

Creeping and creeping through to places you never knew about like the waterfront lined by vacant eyes.  I'm not looking for redemption any more.  You hands have fallen away and I'm still staring at you with exhausted eyes but only because I need a place out of the rain.  The dampness it pervades your pores until you've been eroded by years of.  I'm still pressing my head against this brick wall trying to accept reality how it's gritty and worn out like the rough and aged wall.

Smiling at you again because I know you know and your eyes filter through my lashes as I'm looking down again forgive me if I'm shy

There's only a single dim fluorescent light flickering like mad above in and out of phase with the unsteady breathing of the candles I lit...it adds the ambience that feels good when you're stoned and wanting to die, somehow, you say to yourself it might not be so very bad at all.

Never a ship on a rough sea, baby, but sailing away into the distances of yesterday.

Please, didn't you see me sway down the alleyway full of laughter and liquor in my black little heart? Full of nothing but evil intentions for you and the money I found in the inside pocket of your overcoat. Just living and getting by, it seems like even the wind wants to sweep me off my feet and drink my tears in the bitter shot-glass.

Waiting for my youthful dreams to perspire out of thin air.

And your whisper that oozed out of the thick and tasteless night like the scent of so many cigarettes, to seep into my ears but why?

Hoping holding my breath that you YOU you would come and throw your arms around me sequester my innocence to save my life. So last night I saw a face looking back at mine just watching and I knew he had plans for me this guy with such sadness in his eyes and I wanted to dance into them and get lost in someone else's reverie. But I can't because. Because I could never wander fully off the map into that desirous oblivion and lose myself 'cause I always knew who I am, even as I tried to outrun me on the subway to nowhere fast. Sitting in the park an anonymous face and the leaves the daughters of autumn falling like tears? like virginity? like originality? oh but. I looked away.

Flickering light...this brick wall seems awfully solid to me, monotonous making my head spin and I don't even know. So dance for me dance with me and smile for the girl who fades into the half-night where your memory once stood, with me, under the dying streetlamp.

They say a diamond is forever, but it seems to me the heart ain't.

For sooth I know not why I am so sad. - Shakespeare

Back in New York with no words to say. What do I do when I feel like I don't even belong here and like I'm some kind of intruder into this happy angry chaotic destructive world. The streets are not so kind to those who look for treasure there...what can I do. I am just another seventeen year old junkie strung out on heroin and cocaine and nowhere to go but I had the chance of a lifetime. You see, I am from upper-middle class suburbia and the world was at my feet but it's not the way it was supposed to be...and that was a lifetime ago. Sleeping with a man for a night out of the cold, is that what I am about? Don't tell me. I like sitting here drunk and numb to the motherfucking nonsense and I just don't fucking care. Tell me I deserve to die because I don't want to live anymore.